


onsra

by moonlightrenjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bitterness, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 01:33:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightrenjun/pseuds/moonlightrenjun
Summary: (v.) to love for the last time - a bittersweet feeling of knowing that a love won't lastsome might say that saying goodbye is the worst part of breakup, but renjun knows better now. it's the predictions, the unsettled feeling, the bitterness in his mouth from watching it all fade away.





	onsra

it was never meant to last.

all this time, all that lust and love that renjun ran after was never bound to work out. he _should_ be happier that the ties on his relationship are loosening. he _should_ feel relieved.

instead, all he feels is grief for the unknown.

 

things have slowly been fizzling out, and it hurts to watch, especially when renjun knows their schedule by heart. he can almost calculate how everyday will go.

there’s arguing and frustration, all tied together with aggression. renjun goes to bed furious, words replaying in his mind. there’s space between the two that renjun has never seen before. mark no longer sleeps in the same bed; he has retired to the couch. they both lay miserably by themselves, getting as much sleep as tension will allow them. the arguments don’t stop with the sun rising, instead they seemed inflamed by the light. even in public, the past few weeks have been tight lips and whispered tense arguments.

to any of their friends, renjun smiles and say they’re doing ‘just fine’. he doesn’t know why he’s still lying, but mark is doing it, and renjun can’t be the one to admit that they have a problem.

 

at first, it was real. at first, it was flowers and kisses and fluttering hearts. it was spending days in the library studying side by side, walking each other to classes and blushing glances.

now, it’s turned to something evil; the dark secrets that had buried themself under covers of love have unraveled.

 

but still...something stops renjun from ending it all.

_hope._

it peaks out of his heart, glimmering for only renjun to see. it’s the tiniest piece of his heart, unraveling and telling him that _things are okay_ , that this is just a _rough patch_. he wants to go back to days of being cheesy boyfriends with cute, cheesy instagram posts that were very much staged and romantic dinners lakeside. there’s a string that pulls renjun towards mark, that’s telling him to fix things. it’s desire that’s whispering in his ear, telling him to try and try again.

because, it wasn’t _always_ this way. that’s what renjun’s holding onto. he’s holding onto the days where mark needed him _just as much_ as renjun needed mark. he’s holding onto the possibility of being able to change things for the better.

just like a swing, renjun rocks back and forth indecisively. some days, he wants to scream to everyone how much he’s failing at the pathetic thing called a relationship; other days, he can’t utter a word to anyone, all because of the little hope that sprouts when mark doesn’t look at him like he’s ruining his life for a moment.

 

they have their good and their bad days, but the ratio has switched far over in favor of those with bad intent.

 

the end comes sooner than planned, and somehow, it’s just as disappointing as renjun imagined.

it starts with a late dinner that is so silent, awkward and completely hard to listen in on. the only noise is from the clinking of utensils against plates. mark clears his throat, announcing that he’s gotten an apartment to himself in the midst of it. renjun’s face is flushed at the reveal, and he stands up, upset. outside, storm clouds rumble just as loud as the pounding in renjun’s heart. the tears drip down his fast in a cyclic way, and renjun's trying to wipe them all off his face while looking at mark.

he tries to plead with him, but mark’s made his mind up, and renjun knows it’s just a losing battle he’s trying to hold onto. still, he pesters mark, asking him why they can’t just fix it all.

“not when everything’s gone to shreds.” mark shakes his head and responds sadly. he’s got a sad smile on his face, one that makes renjun furious for no apparent reason.

“renjun, we’ve outgrown each other.” that sets renjun into stone. he can’t swallow the words mark has given him. the truth hurts too much for renjun to accept it. “no!” renjun screams through his tears. he stomps his foot. the storm continuously grows louder.

the colours in front of renjun burst blurry through salt-water lenses. mark is but a blurry figure who’s shaking his head at renjun as if he’s a silly child and mark is the wiser. without another word from renjun, mark’s gone. with an apology slipping off the tongue and a door slamming shut,

_he’s gone._

 

the air is so hot and wrong, and renjun can barely breathe. it’s stiff and humid. the bitter taste of everything going wrong is stuck on his lips, and he can spell out defeat in the air. they’re done trying to pretend like everything’s okay, and renjun needs to accept it.

_as if he can._

the moment mark stormes without another exchange between the two, renjun’s collapsed against the kitchen counter. his body feels limp, and he puts his head down. his cheek drags against the cold granite. it’s the only thing keeping him from falling straight onto the floor. he clasps the counter with all his might, knuckles tightening against the cool surface that serves to keep renjun from going down. he tries to take deep breaths.

 

_in;_

new start.

_out;_

mark is gone.

_in;_

no more pretending.

_out;_

mark is gone.

 

he tries to distract himself by cleaning, but it’s to no avail. _it’s sickening_ , how many items of clothing renjun currently owns that were mark’s. _it’s off putting_ , to find the little souvenirs and trinkets that lie around without a purpose, other than making renjun remember exactly who he’s been trying to forget. along with those abandoned memories, he finds photos scattered everywhere he looks: on the counter, on the dresser, behind the couch. they remind just how much he’s lost.

renjun needs a distraction from everything lying around.

 

he dials jeno first, sensible jeno, before realizing that jeno has always been mark’s best friend and hangs up—he can't tear jeno in half. next, he tries jaemin, who rushes to his dorm immediately. jaemin, truly trying, asks “do you want anything else?”

 _want._ such a simple, yet terrible world. renjun’s brain switches back to his old program before he can stop it. “mark.” he breathes, “i want mark.”

jaemin’s hugging the life out of him as he cries more.

 

it doesn't stop hurting as he watches mark take the last few steps. first, it's the removal from bios. renjun watches the backspace destroy only four letters and yet take his whole world away. next, the literal moving out part, filled with awkward glances and sharp words and renjun wishing that the door wasn’t open, that their neighbours walking by couldn’t see the way that renjun had buried himself in an oversized sweater, and how he was pitfully trying to avoid mark as he picked up things and stuffed them into boxes.

every step they take together brings them farther apart.

some might say that saying goodbye is the worst part of breakup, but renjun knows better now. the worst part is waiting for it to be over. it’s the predictions, the unsettled feeling, the bitterness in his mouth from watching it all fade away.

 

everyday is tough. the more renjun walks away from his comfy bed, the more unrest he feels. he’s been holding on for so long, he’s forgotten what not holding on to anything is like, what not holding his breath in fear of making mistakes is like.

but undoubtedly, the worst is when he sees mark around. mark for one, looks fine, as if nothing has happened. perhaps they were both a part of a breakup, but that doesn't mean the break broke straight down the middle. renjun’s glasses hide his red eyes, and he watches in envy as mark shows up to school fresh, as if nothing life changing happened. he watches mark as he shows up rain or shine practically always wearing the same thing, a gift from renjun to mark, whilst renjun can’t bear even looking at any of mark’s gifts.

but the thing is, renjun can’t say that he’s surprised. he’s always been the emotional one, the one who ‘needs to chill’. he was the one who needed the comfort and the support, the one who was too involved in their relationship from the start. renjun can’t count on his fingers the amount of nights he’s lied awake, wondering _really just how_ _much_ mark actually liked him.

 

he’s happy to be out of such a relationship, but he’s still so tired and conflicted, and with memories that repeatedly come to him at the oddest moments, renjun really doesn’t know what he’s doing. when he reflects, it all comes back to him, and everything seems to hurt a multitude more. all he can see before him is mark and him meeting, mark and him kissing, mark and him dancing.

it’s all so _happy._

now that renjun’s looking back, he no longer sees the desire and love whispering in his ear, but more so the desperateness. the rose coloured glasses have come off. and the more that he looks, the more he spots what truly went wrong. the problem isn’t a thing, nor is it an idea. it’s a person. the problem is renjun. has always been the emotional boy in love with a boy that’s never truly loved him as much as he has. he’s been so in love this whole time, and what has mark been? mark has been responsible, mark has been reasonable, he’s been everything that renjun is not.

 

renjun should’ve seen this coming, and now, he terrorizes himself for not grasping it beforehand. even through the storm, renjun had thought that they’d come out steady, just like they always had. he didn’t see the downhill slope.

he realized far too late, that bitter feeling lodged deep in his chest.

_onsra._

  


**Author's Note:**

> i had such a fun time writing this prompt and i hope you enjoyed reading it! 
> 
> have a wonderful day/night <3


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